You may recognize this title from the classic movie, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, where Matthew Broderick performs on a parade float in the middle of Chicago. However, to me, this song holds a much greater value. 

“Danke Schoen” is of German origin. The music was composed by Bert Kaempfert with original lyrics by Kurt Schwabach. Wayne Newton recorded an American version of the song with lyrics by Milt Gabler. The song itself never became popular until it was featured in the movie, and it’s been a classic ever since. 

“Danke Schoen” translates to “thank you very much”. The entire song is a message of gratitude to a past relationship. It shows appreciation to both the highs and the lows; it is a beautiful ode to memories two people shared together. 

I think in many cases, when relationships end, whether it is with a partner, friend, situationship, colleague, teammate, classmate, we spend so much time caught up on all the problems the relationship had. The bad moments, the disagreements, the times we didn’t feel happy, and then this leads us to having a negative outlook on the entire experience. 

This forced me to think about how we can reshape the narrative around the turmoil of relationships ending. The relationship continued for as long as it did because there were so many good moments. Yet when something ends we have a tendency to overshadow all of the good times with the bad. 

How is it possible to be grateful for the ending of a relationship?

Acknowledge the End

The first step to feeling grateful for the time spent with someone is acknowledging the reason for separation. 

Relationships can end for various reasons. Maybe the people involved are headed in different directions in their lives, maybe a friendship just slowly fades away, or maybe someone leaves a job to work somewhere new. Whatever the reasoning is behind a relationship ending, it’s never a straightforward process. 

The people in our lives, especially those we’re close to, become such a normal part of our routines, our social interactions, and more than anything, they become a part of ourselves. When we lose these people, it may seem impossible to answer the “why” part of losing them. In the worst-case scenarios, there may not even be a why or a clear reason for the relationship ending. Regardless, the ending of a relationship is never easy. 

However, it is important to remember we are people who are constantly changing. We change as we age; it is a bittersweet part of life. Changes in ourselves can lead to changes with the people around us. These shifts can be unexpected, long overdue, or completely mutual. Though it is important to note, if we didn’t change we wouldn’t have the opportunity to connect with new people. 

Maybe a friend spent too much time with their significant other, and you finally had to put your foot down when they canceled plans for the 100th time. You didn’t want to lose the friend because you care about them, but if they could never make time for you, how was the friendship serving you? 

You may still feel hurt even though it was your decision, and that’s because you cared about this person. It is important to take up space with your feelings when going through loss; it’s similar to the five stages of grief. You deserve to embrace and feel every emotion that comes your way, but do your best to not let it consume you. 

Now that we have tackled the initial stage of a relationship ending, how do we start to put a positive spin on it? 

Looking for Happiness? Start with Gratitude

The summer before going into my freshman year of high school, my best friend of eight years stopped talking to me. Nothing had changed in our friendship aside from the fact we were about to start high school. So it came as a complete shock when she wouldn’t return my texts. I called her multiple times, wrote her lengthy messages explaining my confusion and hurt, I even asked mutual friends if they knew of anything I may have done to bother her. All anyone told me was, “she just didn’t want to be friends with you anymore.” 

I was absolutely heartbroken. It felt like the person I thought to be my best friend in the entire world considered me to be nothing more than a filler friend until we were in high school. Although I was much younger then, the feelings I experienced losing my friend were similar to any relationships I have lost more recently. I felt she wronged me, and due to those negative emotions I let them affect the way I had seen our entire relationship. It wasn’t until years later I was able to start smiling when reminiscing on the memories we shared.

Being able to look at a past relationship in a positive light, especially when you feel betrayed or hurt, is a difficult journey to undergo. What I will say is, even if the relationship did not work out the way you had hoped, there is a much bigger payoff when acknowledging all of the good that came from it. 

The advice most people will tell you is:

“Time heals all wounds.”

And yes, while the passage of time does help make situations better, it’s out of our control. We know two months from now we’ll feel better, we’ll begin to feel ourselves again, but what can we do in the meantime while we wait for that moment to come?

Try New Things

Stepping out of your comfort zone is a great way to stay productive while you’re waiting for time to pass. It allows you to learn more about yourself, and explore things you never thought you’d be interested in. 

Maybe you were interested in joining a running club on Sunday mornings at 9am, and you couldn’t go because you always had breakfast with one of your friends at that time. Now you’re available, so try it out! You might enjoy it, you might not, but at least you tried!

While filling your schedule with new activities is beneficial, it is important you still make time for reflection and to process your feelings. You don’t want to create so many distractions and end up suppressing your hurt. It can be challenging, but we have to force ourselves to feel sometimes. 

Turning old routines into new ones

Maybe you and your significant other would always go and pick up coffee together in the mornings. You still want coffee (who doesn’t), but focus on shaking up the routine a bit to help create new habits with yourself. 

If you have a coffee shop close to where you live, try walking there in the morning! This doesn’t only provide you the caffeine fix you were craving, but it keeps you active and it provides a change when you are used to such a normal routine. 

Trying new things and adjusting old habits should solely be done for you, no one else. Making these practices new habits will not only help time pass by, but they’ll uplift you. Eventually, you will be so caught up in this new life you’re creating for yourself the time will have passed and you’ll think, what was I so upset about?

When you finally are able to reach this point in time, it’s important to start shifting our emotions to the positives from our past relationships. This is where you are able to finally begin to let go and see everything in a much brighter light. 

Going back to the running group example, you’re probably happy you were able to start exercising with a group of people who uplift each other. But on the days you don’t feel like going, you might smile thinking about the home fries you and your old friend used to share. 

The more you are able to shift your focus onto cherishing the memories you shared with someone, the easier it is to dive into the next step: forgiveness.

Letting Go and Moving Forward

So now we’re past the majority of the hurt, the heartache, the agonizing pain, and we need to find closure. Let’s retrace our steps on all of the things we have achieved since the ending of the relationship. 

• We acknowledged the end. We accepted this is it and we fearlessly embraced all of the difficult feelings that come from it.
• We began to try new things and we learned something about ourselves in the process.
• We let time pass, and now we are finally able to start looking at some of those old memories in a brighter light. 

So where do we go from here? How do we seriously find a way to let go of a person, of hurt, of a relationship? 

Personally, I don’t believe there is a specific process to successfully achieving this next goal, but healthy habits, in addition to some coping mechanisms, can help bring you to this stage.

Journaling

Get out that pen and paper and start writing. Write all of your feelings–the good and bad, the thoughts you don’t want to say aloud, every last thing on your mind, and then lay it to rest. Journal every week, multiple times a day, or even just once. But let those emotions out! It’ll help to organize your thoughts, and if you keep at it consistently you will be able to keep track of your growth. 

The other benefit of writing is the more you do it the more you’re likely to find out things about yourself you didn’t see before. Maybe you always journal on Sunday. This past Sunday you had a terrible day, nothing was in your favor. The next Sunday comes and it wasn’t the best day, but there were little moments you could highlight. That is growth. 

Have a Conversation

Sometimes closure can be found when speaking with the person. Even if it’s just a phone call, it helps to talk things out. This may not always be an option, but as discussed in my last blog, Confessions of an Overthinker, there are always people around you available. These people can help you reflect, talk things through, and offer advice. 

So yeah, maybe you want to have a heart-to-heart with your past coworker about why they stopped talking to you after you left the job, but maybe they won’t answer your phone calls. Luckily, there’s other people in your community who are willing to listen. 

It’s important not to go into these conversations looking to pick a fight. This should be a general, open conversation about the way you feel about things, any questions you may have, and their side of the story. This even provides the opportunity to end on a good note with the other person. It might mean a lot to the both of you considering the relationship you had.

Letting Go Rituals

This can include meditation, getting rid of sentimental items, planting a seed, or many other practices. The key is to have the intention you are releasing something that has been weighing you down. 

It is advised these rituals should not be done without acknowledging everything you learned from the past relationship. The time we share with people, regardless of the way it ends, is part of the life lessons we’re so lucky to learn. Yes, at the moment they may really hurt! But as time continues to pass, we should be able to look back on these moments fondly.

Finding Strength in Self-Care

Finding the strength to let go and move forward after the end of a relationship is an uphill battle. There are so many confusing thoughts and feelings that interfere with your goal, but begin by choosing yourself every single day. Choose to put yourself first, and allow yourself to endure the grief. Once you finally feel ready, begin to let go.

Ultimately, I think we wake up one day, and suddenly we just feel a little better. All of these practices I listed may help assist you in getting to that point, but you will feel it in your heart, your mind, through the energy you have. Maybe it’s in 2 weeks, maybe it’s in a year, maybe it’s four months from now, but there will be a day where you can finally take a deep breath and say to yourself, “I moved on.”

Never Stop Growing

I briefly touched on the idea of learning from a previous relationship. This is such an important aspect we may have a tendency to downplay. There are so many things you can learn about yourself in moments of change. The lessons aren’t always straightforward, and you may not even notice them at first. Give yourself the time and grace you deserve to understand yourself better.

As you continue to learn more about yourself, you have the opportunity to grow. The key is to make time for yourself and discover something about the person you are.

Investing time in yourself will always pay off. The path may seem unclear, and there will probably be several bumps in the road, but we have to remind ourselves we’re worth it. The idea of independence and self-reliance should not be a draining thought, instead, it should elevate us to a new version of ourselves we never knew existed. Change is scary, but fun!

Thank you very much

To all of the people we meet and are able to share experiences with. To those who have helped us learn more about ourselves and the world around us. To everyone we have had the opportunity to be ourselves with–thank you for sharing yourself and a bit of your life.

When we look back on relationships where there has been a falling out, we tend to regret all of the time and effort we invested. We spent a lot of time with those people for a reason. Try your best to turn those negative feelings into moments of appreciation, and express gratitude when you recall memories you were lucky enough to share with someone you cared about.

The thought of a relationship ending is terrifying; that’s the truth. However, throughout all of our lives, our relationships have changed. It all starts when we’re in grade school, whoever is in our class is automatically a friend. But think about those friends now. Maybe you’re in touch with some of them, but most of the memories you look back on fondly. This is the same for relationships now, but as we grow older, our relationships tend to hold more value. 

When we think about the people we ran around on the playground with in the first grade, we’re not upset about those relationships ending; we just smile thinking about them. Transferring this practice into adulthood carries a lot of weight, but it’s possible. 

I still struggle to find the positives after some relationships end, but I continue to be patient with myself. I know I will eventually look on the past fondly and have gratitude to have ever even experienced it. 

As Wayne Newton sings, 

“Though we go on our separate ways

Still the memory stays for always.”

Hold onto memories from past relationships with love, look forward to all of the new memories we’ll create, and continue to express gratitude for all of those we have been lucky enough to cross paths with. It’s all a part of the journey.

Danke Schoen,

Meils

Benitez-Eves, Tina. “Behind the Meaning of Wayne Newton’s German-Inspired Hit “Danke Schoen.”” American Songwriter, 21 Sept. 2022, americansongwriter.com/behind-the-meaning-of-wayne-newtons-1963-hit-danke-schoen/