But then it passed, as all things do.

I can hear the rain on my roof. I’ve been in a writer’s block, and my schedule is now giving me so much free time that I have no idea what to do with it.

Saturday, 11/2 Albertus Magnus College Women’s Soccer fell short in a 0-2 defeat to Rivier University in the GNAC quarter finals. The last whistle was blown, the crucial minutes were timed and the game was over. I took a deep inhale, my first season coaching college passed me by before I even had the chance to tell it I wasn’t ready for the ending to come. 

The last 2 and a half months have been dedicated to this program. Twelve hour travel days and nights where it was more important to watch film than sleep. The relationship development by connecting with 29 inspiring young women and motivating them to give their best every day. Learning the goals of the program and how I can evolve my coaching to strengthen their philosophy. Traveling to three different schools after a 90 minute training session to recruit the future talent. Having a lot of fun while doing all of it.

A door was slammed in my face, and as I wiped away my bitter tears, I turned to the coaching staff and said… “You guys never prepared me for this moment.” They prepared me for a lot, but not the moment where I had to change my mindset to think  “until next August… “

This experience has been emotional, exhausting, beautiful, and overall has been such a rewarding challenge of growth. I loved all of it.

Currently…

And don’t worry, while I wish my career could solely consist of coaching, there were (of course) many other things I was doing in my spare time to keep me occupied.

I was working several different jobs this fall. I was coaching college and youth, I was and still am a grad student, I was serving at Burger Lobster every Saturday and Sunday night, and I am now a Program Assistant at a community center. 

Shifting from one extreme to the next has become a new, favorite hobby of mine. It is like a surprise walking through every door. One moment I was giving a pep talk to my youth team at a random middle school field and then I’d be asking how you would like your burger to be cooked, and in between all of that I was submitting my next assignment, but probably still had three more to do.

When my responsibilities changed at the beginning of this fall I did not have the time or the energy to write as much,  I really did fall into a writer’s block though.  I had even journaled about it in an attempt to pull me out, but it was no use.

After my last blog, it had been such a big project I was so excited and proud of the work I accomplished. Proud of the artists I was able to shed light on. Continue to check out their work by the way! And then, nothing hit me—it was as if I couldn’t find any inspiration or motivation. All of the creativity suddenly disappeared. And even in creative brainstorming efforts I came up short. And before I knew it I was experiencing these new endeavors and once my time was limited it was even more difficult to generate that creative process on paper.

As my journey into adulthood continues, I am understanding the difficulties of time. As we grow our priorities change, and whether we want them to or not we have to adjust. In the free time we’re granted we have to make choices that we never had to choose between in the first place. It forces us to make sacrifices. With all of my other commitments I sacrificed my blog. Equally voluntary and involuntary, I had other priorities– my teams, classes, family and friend time, my income, but I also haven’t had the creativity to write something new. It has been an equal balance of lack of motivation and lack of time. 

I will admit, although I’m not writing blogs, I’m still writing about my day-to-day life, and in the middle of one journal entry my next blog came to me. I have spent so much time this fall running from moment-to-moment, trying to fulfill all of my needs while also abiding by my schedule. I am loving everything I’m doing, but to simultaneously chase a dream, while providing yourself an income is exhausting. I am not comparing my experience to anyone else’s, I love everything I do and would not sacrifice any of it, but I am questioning an idea we probably all share.

When it seems so challenging to motivate yourself or when you feel overwhelmed, how do you love the process?

The Process

In August, when the soccer seasons started, and all of my time became more valuable, I was extremely overwhelmed. I was so stressed it got to the point where I questioned my capability to stay positive and manage it all in a way I felt good about. It is funny though, because I really didn’t have much to complain about, aside from a customer that wouldn’t tip 20%, I genuinely was enjoying everything I was doing.

Everything felt so monumental, like I was balancing the weight of my own world on my shoulders. I also was dealing with some personal crises when this all started and that really only made it feel heavier. All of this being said, I think there were these competing feelings of excitement and anxiety? I don’t know, I just know I was enjoying all of it while also feeling an eerie pressure. 

And I probably put that pressure on myself- to want to do well in my roles because I am truly passionate about them (not really serving though, people you work with are great though). There is the saying that goes like… we’re our own biggest critic. I think this really rings true, especially coupled with change because of the uncertainty, and then it just gets heavy. 

It can be a grueling and enduring feat. To find a way to love the moment you’re in, when it seems out of control. And the best part is none of us are alone, everyone is going through this in their own way. There are many variations as to how change affects people, but eventually you get through that preliminary stage of fear and can find comfort. From being a new parent to starting a new year at school we are all in constant cycles of change that force us to take a leap of faith. Looking back on challenging times, I bet there are many moments you can reflect back on and think, “That wasn’t that bad”. 

As I got closer to the end of the season, I started counting down the days until it felt like I could breathe. I was so excited for that moment of “omg I did it!” And in the time building up to celebration, was when I really became present in my situations because even though it felt chaotic, I knew I would never get this time in this moment back.

There was too much good to ignore.

How to Love the Process

I don’t think I’m wise enough to have a concrete answer because I’m still young and have not experienced many things. What I do recognize, after a trying period of time, is the person I am on the other side. I’ve grown. It was never an easy adventure, it was never going to be a straight-forward path. I persevered and I believed in myself and everyone else around me. 

And of course I did things people recommended- journaling, exercise, spending time with friends/family, creating a schedule, staying social, eating well, and drinking plenty of water. But I did something that makes looking back on it all so fulfilling- I reminded myself of my why. 

The why answer gave me many reasons, big emotional reasons where I was filled with gratitude, love, and passion. Logical reasons like financial obligations and career growth. It even gave me everyday reasons such as the human willingness to do something and I am lucky enough to truly enjoy it all. 

There was never going to be a singular solution, just shifting and adapting and dealing with whatever was thrown at you and simply making the best of it all. When we’re children, adults always tell us to never grow up, but you can’t fully understand why until you start to become one. With that knowledge all we can really do is enjoy the time, to the best of our abilities.

It also helps when you have a genuine network of support. I could not do half of the things I’m doing right now without the support from the people that care about me. Personally, I have this abundance of gratitude for everyone in my life – I think that also lifted me up throughout the fall. I am lucky to have support at home, from extended family, where I coach, from coworkers, and from my friends. This community I have I hold so close to my heart. If you don’t have a support system where you feel encouraged I would add this to your to-do list. It can even just be someone you see once a week, develop connections with people.

There is a strange balancing act we all perform as humans. One where we want to grow and may be slightly afraid to because of change and we simultaneously want to enjoy the life we lead. It will never be perfect, but this is what we should strive for – a life of growing, and loving it along the way. It is a life we all deserve.

The Process Continues

It’s funny the way no one ever tells you how quickly life moves, and how it’ll never wait for you to catch up. The quote, “And then it passed, as all things do,” (Hosseini, 2013), can take on many different meanings for us. It can be a period of struggling, grief, change, heartache, uncertainty, confusion, etc. A long dragging moment that sometimes feels inescapable. The point is—it’s temporary. Everything is temporary, because these present moments will continue to change and grow just as we do.

So we are lucky enough to make a choice. We can either succumb to the struggle, or we can find ways to change our perspective and be the source of our own joy. What we’re excited to discover on the other side of a journey is equally important to the happiness we can find in the journey itself. This happiness does not stem from other people, it starts with ourselves and the moments we feel grateful to be in the role we’re in. Whether this role relates to your familial status, your job title, the feelings you have about your existence- you have to find some love and grace for yourself.

These moments can be overlooked. At Albertus, there is a big round desk right after the entrance into the athletic center. There are a handful of people that work there, people I have all grown relationships with. But I always look forward to Tuesday and Thursday afternoons when Sister Barbara works the front desk. She is a 96 year old nun who remembers my name, and has so many great stories to tell. When I’m in a rush and don’t have much time, I always try to talk to her. Even if it’s just for five minutes, she is a wonderful conversationalist.

This detail can seem so small, it can almost be overlooked, but in my life I love knowing Sister Barbara. I know I won’t know her forever too– this fall will eventually come to an end and all I can do is hope she works the desk again. Whether she does or not, I’m happy to know her in the now.

There are even smaller moments than this one to name, but they all really mean something to me. I  have an endless trail of gratitude for this fall and everything I got to experience during it. More than anything, it has taught me to be more present in these moments before they’re just a memory.

It’s almost like the sound of the rain, I can’t remember the last time I fell asleep listening to it. Climate justice really needs a stronger social movement. But I’m going to enjoy the sounds of the rain because who knows when I’ll have this moment again.

As time passes, we recognize more and more the moments where we grew, and what’s really cool about that is we get to learn something! And then it gets really crazy because life just continues to go before we even have a chance to let the last experience sink in. I’m learning how to deal with that one currently, no more coaching so more time to write and maybe pick up a few other hobbies. Regardless, we can’t take time for granted. 

It’s too valuable. 

Until next time,

Meils